From Marie:
I rarely invite guest writers here unless they are people with something meaningful to share. Tierney Davis Hogan certainly qualifies.
Tierney was the first friend I made when I moved to Central Oregon. I actually met her before I moved, at a fabric trade show. Her husband was with her. When Terry learned I was a novelist, he asked what kind of books I wrote. With a completely straight face, I answered, “Erotica.” Terry blushed all the way up to his ears! It was an awful trick to play on someone I’d just met, but I could tell he had a good sense of humor. He was a very good sport about it.
That day Tierney offered to show me around after I moved. We met for lunch and enjoyed a couples night out. Tierney helped me get connected to the local quilting community and invited me over to see her studio. She is a talented fiber artist whose work has been included in important art quilt exhibitions.
Because we’re both working women, Tierney and I don’t get to spend as much time together as I’d like (though we did get together on Saturday for a day of stitching — SEW much fun!). I keep up with her adventures through her blog, TierneyCreates.com. Her tagline, “a fusion of textiles and smiles,” is spot-on. If you love crafting and quilts, I highly recommend following her.
In December, Tierney’s world changed when her beloved Terry passed away suddenly. Nothing about this journey has been easy. With the help of family, friends, and her support group, she’s finding ways to cope.
Tierney is a strong, wise, and beautiful woman whom I admire greatly. I felt especially moved when I read the blog post she published on Valentine’s Day. She has kindly allowed me to repost it here.
VALENTINES
A little less than a week before Valentine’s Day I felt a rising anxiety about how I would face my first Valentine’s Day without my Valentine. In December 2018 my husband Terry passed away suddenly. We spent more than half our lives together and had never been apart on Valentine’s Day.
I anticipated a painful day on February 14th, imagining I might be completely overwhelmed by grief and perhaps unable to get out of bed.
In the middle of that anticipatory anxiety, it occurred to me that doing something for others might help me get through Valentine’s Day.
For the past five weeks I’ve been attending a difficult but wonderful Spousal Loss Grief Support Group that meets weekly. I realized that the other widows and widowers in the group were facing the same dilemma — their first Valentine’s Day without their partners.
So why not invite them to be my Valentines?
And that’s exactly what I did.
For My Valentines
For the men in my grief support group:
Terry’s favorite cookies were Molasses Crinkle Cookies, which I loved to bake for him. I haven’t done much baking since he passed, so opening my cookbook and making a big batch felt significant. Assembling the ingredients brought a small, unexpected moment of joy.
I put the cookies in a basket and included little sandwich bags so everyone could take some home.
For the women in my grief support group:
I gave each of them a small wallet. If you’ve followed my blog, you’ve seen my many posts about these little wallets — I’ve made a lot of them and often include them in blog giveaways. They’re practical and cheerful, and I hoped they would be a small comfort.
For the group facilitator:
I gave her a set of my little heart pillows to thank her for helping us mend our hearts.
I also made “Oregon Healing Hearts” valentines using my circle and heart punches with outdoor-themed papers. People could choose a heart with a dog in the center (dogs are healing to me) or a plain heart.
Here is the set-up I surprised the group with at our weekly meeting:
The presentation went well. The facilitator invited me to share the items at the start of our session.
The men shared cookies, and both men and women took some home if they wished. Despite the heavy topics, there was laughter, smiles, and hugs that day.
Feeling at Peace
On Valentine’s Day I felt a sense of peace. Stepping outside my grief and focusing on others helped. Wallowing day and night wasn’t working for me, even though grieving has its place and everyone around me expected and supported that. I needed to try something different — and my grief group became my unexpected Valentines.
Grief is hard work, perhaps the hardest I’ve known. It’s a journey no one chooses, but if you find yourself in that club, look for a grief group. One of the important lessons I’ve learned is not to do it alone.
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson